Man, it’s been a while. Like two months. I feel like we went out on a really bad date and then I decided that things were too awkward for me to like your statuses on Facebook, favorite your Tweets, or call/text you back.
Fret not, kiddos. I’m back.
Shit got a little real after that last post I wrote about the Single Chick Bucket List (which I have been trying to get done and will start to blog about in the near future). Six days after that post was published, my dad was rushed to the hospital for severe swelling and leakage in his neck. He received emergency surgery the next day, and on Valentine’s Day (because nothing good ever happens on that fucking day) he was diagnosed with advanced stage throat cancer. So needless to say things have been quite the rollercoaster since then–with the exception of a week and a half at the end of February, he has been an inpatient at the Cleveland Clinic and its sister hospitals. Three weeks ago he had to have his larynx, lymph nodes, both thyroid glands, and a major vein removed from his neck–he has a trach and hopefully in a few weeks he can begin to try to learn to talk again with speech therapy. Once things settle down and he gains the weight he lost (he was admitted to the hospital at 115 pounds; he is 6’4″), he will start radiation. He is supposed to have a lung and bone biopsy in the upcoming days, and hopefully things slow down a little and the results come back good.
My dad has taught me a lot about strength in the past two months. The things I worried about in January seem so damn trivial compared to what we are dealing with now. My dad being sick really made me get over my ex–seeing him still sucks ass in ways that I can’t eloquently describe, but I changed shifts in the shift rebid we had at work and I won’t have to worry about seeing him except for an hour or two depending on my schedule. For some reason I thought that maybe my ex would come up to me and ask me how I was doing or how my dad was doing–his younger sister has stage IV cancer and I love her like the sister I never had, so I thought maybe he would show a shred of compassion. Yeah…I was wrong. He acts like I am invisible. So I had to suck that up and tell myself right then and there that his lack of being a nice person just shows that there was no point in being brokenhearted over him. I have learned to appreciate my friends and I love them all so incredibly much. The texts, hugs, kind words, and phone calls have all meant more than you would think.
But strength. My father has faced every step of this bullshit with a positive attitude. He smiles and cracks jokes and just holds it together for our family. I think maybe he always knew that this was a possible consequence of being a smoker for nearly 60 years. I did, but I never really thought it would happen. It has made us stronger as a family, it has made me stronger in the fact that I have realized that life isn’t a given. Things change. Moments occur that can shake our every belief and thought to the core. I laugh a lot more and I have decided to become more self-assured and more self-aware then I was before. If I don’t like something, I make it known. If I don’t want to do something, I don’t do it. I decided that you don’t get anywhere in life by shrinking back in the background and not making waves–I’ve always been an extrovert, but I hate confrontation and I hate hurting other people’s feelings. I have also decided that if I know what I want, I should try to figure out how to get it. There are no do-overs, no rewind button (old school VHS reference), no backspace. Everything is constantly moving forward and you have to move forward with it.
It’s like the Modest Mouse lyric, “And we’ll all float on okay”. We need to stop taking everything so goddamn serious and just let it go. Time hurtles on through the great void, with or without us…just stop worrying about the little things and let go.
It’s good to be back. I missed writing, but I figured that I would find my words when I was ready.
I started a new shift last week and I’m adjusting to working during the day like a normal person. No more 8 pm to 4 am…I don’t know what it’s like to be awake during the day and asleep at night. It’s like the world flip-flopped itself on me. I feel more rested and maybe I’ll get more accomplished. And accomplished means more blogging, which is always excellent.
I just have to get used to it. Sunlight? What’s that?